When The Heart Speaks
A simple practice: With your hands on your heart, pause and ask yourself “What is my heart being drawn toward?” Listen for the answer. It may not come in words and it may not be an action. It may just be a feeling or an image. Feel into the answer and accept it. You don’t have to do anything, just know it’s there.
In some ways I have been on a perpetual journey of personal development, of trying to get better, be better, live better, be more balanced, more peaceful, calmer, more in-tune with myself and others around me, especially since becoming a parent and feeling so responsible for these little beings who are dependent on me.
This drive used to come in waves. I’d be zoning out, moving through life, unthinking and robotic, and then something would wake me up and I’d realize I better Do Something because life was passing me by, and I wasn’t even noticing. So, I’d read books by spiritual masters and self-help books, following through on all the recommended activities (usually meditating, journalling or writing of some kind). I’d recommit to a formal meditation practice, be mindful and loving and Really Pay Attention. I’d be so busy with this self-improvement- do, do, doing, improve, improve, improving- that I wouldn’t realize when I was about to hit a wall. All this self-improvement work takes time, on top of time spent working, time spent with kids, time spent in the daily grind, time I didn’t really have, so I’d snap. I’d lash out at my husband because he wasn’t even trying to become a better parent or person. I’d lose it with my kids because I’d been so busy being calm and perfect, all the while pushing down the inevitable emotions that come with parenting, that I’d release in an explosion like a shaken-up soda bottle. It was not pretty. Shampoo, rinse, and repeat, for years.
Then about four years ago, I didn’t just hit a wall, I hit a mountain. I’d just had my third kid when everything imploded. On the outside, nothing looked wrong (I think!), but I was struggling so much. The birth of my son was beautiful, but my body was struggling to recover and I was weaker than I had ever been. While I thought we had prepared her well, my beautifully sensitive middle child did not react well to her little brother and took to screaming at me daily from the moment we woke up until bedtime. Then a man moved in across the street from us who was incredibly scary and manipulative. I couldn’t go outside without fear of harm to myself and my children and although I reached out to every authority I could think of no one took me seriously*. The most I got was a can of pepper spray from our local dog control enforcement officer, and even though he wouldn’t come to interact with this man without two state troopers in tow, nothing was done to protect me or my family. I would wake up in the morning (having not gotten a full night’s sleep anyway) knowing I would be facing a day of “stupid mama!”, growling dogs, profanity, and threatening words and gestures, on top of taking care of a baby. I would just lie there unable to face the day ahead in complete and total misery. While I have had episodes of depression before, they have always been a very personal internal struggle, more of an internal storm, rather than being created by outside forces, as this time period was. This was just completely beyond my control in every way, shape or form. I couldn’t self-help my way out of it. In fact, every time I saw a self-help or parenting book, I wanted to throw it at the wall, as I simply could not see how they were relevant to my life in any way. There certainly wasn’t a “How to Deal With a Dangerous, Aggressive Neighbor When No One Will Help” or a “How To Leave The House In Less Than an Hour With A Screaming 5 Year-Old, a Baby and a Strange Dog Growling At You” book out there.
I can’t say now, looking back at that time, that there was any one moment where everything changed. I feel like I spent so much of that time teetering on the brink of complete breakdown. I would make myself feel worse with this weird positive-negative self-talk. You know may know it as: “Look how much you have, why aren’t you grateful for all that you have?” and “So many other people have it worse than you, don’t complain.” etc. The truth was, it was just painful to live, and even though I was surrounded by people ALL THE TIME, I was incredibly lonely. Eventually I did the only thing I could do and turned inward. There were no answers in books, no answers online, no answers from family members or friends. The only answers were in me. The only thing I had any control over was myself (and when I really pay attention, I find I don’t even have that much control over myself either).
I don’t remember exactly when or what gave me the idea, but I started a very simple practice. I would wake up in the morning and very first thing (if baby wasn’t awake) put my hands on my heart and ask “How are you? What do you need?” Not to me and my thinking self, but to my heart and my embodied self. Most often the answer did not come in words, but more of a vision or feeling; less of a “what to do” and more of a “how to do” the day. There’s no way that I could say, at the time, how powerful that short and simple act was, but now looking back, I can see that everything changed when I started doing that. Attempted control over the events of the day gave way to allowing the events to unfold and reacting to them more and more with a sense of grace. I found that almost every time I was envisioning a day filled with at least a few of the following qualities: love, connection, curiosity, gratitude, acceptance, and faith. Now, it’s really important for me to tell you that I certainly do not have everything figured out, that life suddenly became peaceful and everything was great. It’s more like my focus shifted and that slight course correction has helped me live life with a little more ease. I have stopped listening to external voices so much and try to keep to what feels right in my heart and body. In fact, starting this blog has been part of the journey. I found that writing and contemplating what my heart says with words helped me follow through with my ideas in real life - connecting my soul to my mind in a way. So over the next few posts I want to reflect on the qualities of love, connection, curiosity, gratitude, acceptance and faith, if for no reason than to help me understand myself a little better.
What qualities would you like to see your day filled with more? What does your heart say?
* You may be wondering where my husband was in all this. Basically, we decided it was safer if he did not deal with this man. Firstly, I’ve had much more experience (as I’m sure most women have) of deflecting and avoiding conflict with an aggressive man. Secondly, while my husband is here legally, he is not a US citizen and English is not his first language. I felt very scared (and this could be a whole other topic to cover) that if a confrontation did happen, and law-enforcement were involved, there would be a bias against my hubby in favor of a white American man. FYI, this man was eventually asked by the property owners to move, so peace returned here, but not wherever he is at the moment.
